February 16, 2010
Bacon Ninja’s Comprehensive Olympic Coverage In the Form of a Bulleted List
Wanna know what I think of this year’s Olympics? Read on.
- Luge is morbidly exciting now knowing for a fact that people can get killed doing it. Before we just had a sneaking suspicion, so we didn’t really care, especially since Americans never win. But now? I’m glued to the TV, expecting to see some poor Swiss dude fly off the side of the track and go into orbit before slamming into a mountain. Or something.
- You’d think we’d be better at the biathlon. Michael Moore made an Oscar-winning documentary about how gun-crazy and bloodthirsty we are. Then again, Al Gore made an Oscar-winning documentary about how we’re all going to catch fire and die screaming as a result of the chemical we all exhale, so I guess documentaries don’t really have to be all that accurate to win awards.
- Bobsledding won’t be the same without the Jamaicans and Grace Kelly’s son battling for 26th place.
- Any sport where you can wear jeans is 1) not really a sport, and 2) totally sweet. Because you get the impression that anybody could do it. You know, like tennis.
- Skeleton is like luge, only more bad-ass. If you can die going downhill at 90mph on your back, imagine how much more awesomely you can die going down the same hill head-first on your belly. Plus, it’s called “skeleton” so you know they have a sense of humor.
- Olympic Ice Hockey isn’t the same without dirty commies for us to embarrass. Maybe Obama will join the team of some country he likes (i.e. France’s or Iran’s or something but definitely not America’s) in time for the next Olympics to remedy this.
- One reason the Winter Olympics suck in comparison to the Summer Olympics: figure skating vs. gymnastics. They’re both “sports” that aren’t really sports because you have to attend crazy judge school to figure out who wins. Also the people who do them are crazy freaks of nature. The difference is that gymnastics is really easy to make fun of. For example. Figure skating you can’t mock because it’s so stupid it mocks itself better than any comedian ever could. For example. Thus, gymnastics is watchable and figure skating isn’t.
- Every time I see moguls on TV it makes my knees hurt really bad. I think I tore a PCL the other night watching that American chick whoop the dirty Canadian.
- Speed skating is like track only in speed skating there’s a much better chance that you slash your leg open and almost bleed out on the track. Thus, and it pains me to say it, speed skating is more bad-ass than track.
- During the opening ceremony this year I was talking to Ben Jammin, who was watching it on the east coast. He kept saying, “Who is this dude singing? He looks like Barry Manilow.” An hour later it came on our TV. Turns out it was k.d. lang. Anybody could make that mistake, actually.
- If the Olympics are being held in North America, why does NBC have to tape-delay everything? It’s really irritating to have to avoid any sports-related websites all day for fear they’ll spoil the surprise later on in the evening. Really, is it still 1974 or something? We can see the World Cup game between Zimbabwe and Ghana live, but we have to wait all day to see some crazy broad who looks like a cross between Drew Barrymore and Courtney Love fall down in a snowboard race? Really?
- I’d be more likely to watch the Olympics on NBC if Faith Hill would dress in tight clothes and sing some kind of Olympics-based theme song beforehand.
- For some reason I keep getting Faith Hill mixed up with that fat chick with the screechy voice who was married to Biggie Smalls.
- Proof the dirty Scandis have nothing interesting to do up there in igloo-land: cross-country skiing. I’d rather be waterboarded and then have my genitalia attached to a car battery while Jack Bauer yelled at me than cross-country ski. It looks terrible.
- Curling is quite possibly the most awesome sport ever. I don’t know what the rules are, I don’t know how you win, and I don’t care. As far as I can tell it’s shuffleboard with fewer old people.
- They should replace figure skating with a snow-angel contest. If they’re gonna have “sports” that you have to add quotation marks to the word “sport,” why not have one everyone could identify with and mercilessly criticize?
- You’re imagining it now, aren’t you? “That idiot Belgian SUCKS at making snow angels! Look! He doesn’t even have the wings the same size! Damn, why couldn’t I have been half-Dutch or something? I would kick ASS at this!”
- We could compromise and leave the snow-angel contest out, and the Olympics could get rid of figure skating. Everyone wins, right? Including the Belgians, who would really suck at making snow angels and thus be more of a sporting laughingstock.
- Skiing looks terrifying and awesome at the same time.
- I felt kind of bad by the end of the little parade in the opening ceremony because I spent the entire time making fun of Canadians and then they cheered like hell for the US when our team came out. But then I remembered they’re just Canadians and no one cares about them anyway.
That’s all. Enjoy the Olympics everyone. USA! USA!
A very good summary. Now I don’t have to feel bad about not watching.