I’ve been wanting to write something about this so today I’m going to. There is an epidemic in Colorado, one that the CDC has no control over. It has the potential to end thousands of lives and send thousands more into uncontrollable madness. Despite this, only I and a few other brave souls are speaking out about it.
I speak, of course, of Subarus and their drivers.
For some reason, probably the hilly terrain and the occasional ridiculous snowstorm, people here want all-wheel drive cars. Most people realize they can get by with front-wheel drive and some even realize they can keep a RWD car as long as they’re okay with not driving it 15-20 days a year when the roads suck.
Then there are the ridiculously paranoid, gotta-keep-everyone-safe-no-matter-what-even-if-we-have-to-encase-humanity-in-bubble-wrap people who drive 10 miles per hour in school zones and five-under almost everywhere else. They’re usually the ones who drive exactly the speed limit in the fast lane on the interstate and get all offended that EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD wants them to get the hell out of the way or careen off into an embankment and catch fire. These people naturally gravitate towards the cars that are “safe” (AWD) and that they can afford, but they don’t want SUVs because they’re worried about them rolling over or catching the atmosphere on fire or something, so they must choose a car. Some buy Audis or the AWD Mercedes’s or BMWs, but the great majority of them go straight to the Subaru dealership because they cost about 2/3 what one of the others do.
I guess technically it’s not Subaru’s fault that its customers are fucking terrible at driving. It’s not like they’re the ones who gave these idiots licenses – blame for that falls squarely on what the founding fathers called “the Several States”. So thanks a lot, everyone. You gave a bunch of mental incompetents the privilege of driving a two-ton death machine all over the place.
However, Subaru certainly isn’t discouraging terrible drivers from buying their cars. Look at this commercial:
Do you see what they did there? They said, “a bunch of idiots are buying our cars and driving them into walls, light poles, trees, very small rocks, very big rocks, churches, and other cars. We need to make sure that when they do so they survive so they can buy more of our cars. Let’s send them a message that it’s okay to be a horrible driver as long as you’re driving a Subaru.”
All I’m saying is that if you drive a Subaru and this post describes you at all, just put your license in a safe place like a paper shredder and start riding the bus everywhere you go. Maybe get rides from people who are better at driving than you are. You’d be doing all of society a service, and we’d never forget you.