If You Drive a Subaru, Your Car Sucks and So Do You

I’ve been wanting to write something about this so today I’m going to. There is an epidemic in Colorado, one that the CDC has no control over. It has the potential to end thousands of lives and send thousands more into uncontrollable madness. Despite this, only I and a few other brave souls are speaking out about it.

I speak, of course, of Subarus and their drivers.

For some reason, probably the hilly terrain and the occasional ridiculous snowstorm, people here want all-wheel drive cars. Most people realize they can get by with front-wheel drive and some even realize they can keep a RWD car as long as they’re okay with not driving it 15-20 days a year when the roads suck.

Then there are the ridiculously paranoid, gotta-keep-everyone-safe-no-matter-what-even-if-we-have-to-encase-humanity-in-bubble-wrap people who drive 10 miles per hour in school zones and five-under almost everywhere else. They’re usually the ones who drive exactly the speed limit in the fast lane on the interstate and get all offended that EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD wants them to get the hell out of the way or careen off into an embankment and catch fire. These people naturally gravitate towards the cars that are “safe” (AWD) and that they can afford, but they don’t want SUVs because they’re worried about them rolling over or catching the atmosphere on fire or something, so they must choose a car. Some buy Audis or the AWD Mercedes’s or BMWs, but the great majority of them go straight to the Subaru dealership because they cost about 2/3 what one of the others do.

I guess technically it’s not Subaru’s fault that its customers are fucking terrible at driving. It’s not like they’re the ones who gave these idiots licenses – blame for that falls squarely on what the founding fathers called “the Several States”. So thanks a lot, everyone. You gave a bunch of mental incompetents the privilege of driving a two-ton death machine all over the place.

However, Subaru certainly isn’t discouraging terrible drivers from buying their cars. Look at this commercial:

Do you see what they did there? They said, “a bunch of idiots are buying our cars and driving them into walls, light poles, trees, very small rocks, very big rocks, churches, and other cars. We need to make sure that when they do so they survive so they can buy more of our cars. Let’s send them a message that it’s okay to be a horrible driver as long as you’re driving a Subaru.”

All I’m saying is that if you drive a Subaru and this post describes you at all, just put your license in a safe place like a paper shredder and start riding the bus everywhere you go. Maybe get rides from people who are better at driving than you are. You’d be doing all of society a service, and we’d never forget you.

This is actually a collection of tweets I posted this morning, reordered and edited a bit to make a little more sense together since WordPress doesn’t have a 140-character limit.

I’m thinking: in 1955 did Americans look at their country and wonder if its changes in the 14 years after Pearl Harbor were good or bad? First instinct is to think “that’s silly. Of course it was better.” But we always look back through rose-colored glasses. I hope that’s all this is, that there was this much division and unrest so soon, relatively speaking, after a national horror. When I look at things now it’s just depressing. 9/11 is more often a punchline than something to remember solemnly.

Maybe it’s just me, but when I look back I feel as though I lost something on 9/11 even though I was in California when it happened. I look back at 23 year-old me on 9/10 and realize how naïve he was but also how trivial and uncomplicated things seemed to be. I miss that. I miss that feeling of security, of NOT scrutinizing everyone who stands up during a flight or acts funny in a crowded space. I miss wearing my shoes through airport security. Hell, I miss a lot about airport security. (That’s another thing: most of the shitty stuff the government has done to “protect us” doesn’t even do that. It’s all theater.)

I was actually at ground zero last fall and it was really terrible. The worst part for me by far was all the fucking tourists. Technically I was a tourist too but I wasn’t laughing and taking photos posing in front of one of our bigger mass graves.

I generally hate statements like “X is OUR fault” because they come off pompous, but most of what I’m bitching about is our fault.

People often look back at youth fondly like I am right now, but we realize it’s a waste of time because there’s no going back. Still…

I returned to Monterey this spring where I was on 9/11. It seemed a lot smaller than I’d remembered, but everything does – even the country itself. Sure we loved stupid, trivial shit before, but that was before. We were supposed to grow up. Instead we got more infantile.

And now you bastards have made a Jem movie.

In conclusion, get the hell off my lawn.