Q: All right, all right, yo yo yo Bacon Ninja. What’s up dogg?
A: Shut up Randy.
Q: What’s the deal with you only writing one post every two months?
A: I’m too busy or lazy to post more often. I’d say 95% lazy/5% busy. But it could be as much as 99% lazy. I don’t know.
Q: If storing dead ninjas ain’t your f*&^ing business, what is your business?
A: Giving you the business. And business is booming.
Q: Why do you swear so much?
A: Profanity adds emphasis to anything you’re trying to say. Also it’s funny to me, but it shouldn’t be taken literally. I mean, when I say, “Nick Lachey is a giant douche-wipe” I’m not actually saying that he’s some kind of device women use to clean out their hoo-hoo-dillys. In fact, I am pretty sure Nick Lachey wouldn’t know a hoo-hoo-dilly if it walked up and slapped him in the face. His marriage with Jessica Simpson was a scam just like Tom Cruise and John Travolta’s marriages. He oughta just move to Vermont, get a civil union with Matt Leinart, and get it over with.
Q: Why don’t you write about politics more often?
A: Because it wears me out to write about politics. Most people who read blogs already have their minds made up about the things they’ll read, so why waste time trying to convince them that they’re wrong?
Q: How do you know they’re wrong?
A: They always are
Q: In that case, how would you describe your political views, since we won’t be able to read about them?
A: I would describe myself as what Jeff Goldstein refers to as a “classical liberal.” I’d like to say libertarian but the average person thinks that libertarians are a bunch of pot-smoking losers who play D&D and … well, smoke pot. Don’t get me wrong, I think that marijuana should be legal, as well as prostitution and gambling, but my life doesn’t revolve around it. I have a job and stuff. I think people should be free do do more or less whatever they want – assuming they don’t screw with anybody else’s freedoms. I also think that all marriages should be called civil unions as far as the government is concerned and that any two people of consenting age should be allowed to get “united” no matter what they’ve got dangling (or not) between the ol’ pipes. I think taxes are too high, they’re unfair in their current form, and should be used to fund legitimate governmental activities rather than encourage behavior whichever party is in power decides is good. In the end, I’m a big fan of the constitution and I’d prefer if our judges were too.
Q: Wow, this is heavy.
A: Weight has nothing to do with it.
Q: Ohhhhhhkayy… Anyway, uhhhhh… Reds fan huh? What’s that like?
A: Imagine being super-happy at the age of twelve and then getting punched in the nuts for eighteen-plus years. That pretty much sums it up. I would mention the 2010 season but I’m wearing an anti-jinx electroshock collar.
Q: I’m a big giant douchebag spammer! Can I comment on your site?
A: If you can get past my filter, sure. And by “sure” I mean “why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself”?
Q: You really hate Michigan, don’t you?
A: I really do. I mean, lately it’s a little harsh, like if the Harlem Globetrotters hated the Washington Generals. But even though they’ve been a horrible embarrassment the last few years to themselves and their fans, I hate them nonetheless.
Q: What about Penn State?
A: Penn State it like the eleventh child in a family with twelve children and the Buckeyes are like the firstborn. Sure, the kid will annoy the grown-up from time to time, but at the end of the day the grown-up is bringing home a regular paycheck and the kid is getting arrested for drunk and disorderly after peeing off a balcony while displaying its student ID in plain view of two police officers and a video crew from the local news. Long story short: they’re insignificant..
Q: You’re still a dick for saying that stuff.
A: Thanks for the input. Maybe go to a site where the proprietor gives a damn about your opinion.
Q: What the hell is a bacon ninja?
A: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Q: Where else can I find your unique wit and wisdom around the interwebs?
A: How about you read the sidebar where it says Bacon Ninja Elsewhere. Note that at Men of the Scarlet & Gray I had to promise to watch my language so don’t be surprised if you see a lot more actual thought and less “fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck.” You can occasionally find me in the comment sections of the other sites in the sidebar as well.