In Which I (Very Briefly) Derail Into Talking About Basketball

I’m not one who really follows basketball much at any level. Still, I’ll watch the Buckeyes when they’re on TV and nothing else is.

Thank God that was the case today.

Evan Turner hit a 40-foot jumper as time expired to ruin the day for Michigan fans everywhere. Not only did they lose a game they thought they were going to win, their season is almost certainly over. And it couldn’t happen to a bigger group of dooshbags.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I’m going to start regaling you all with cool facts about Evan Turner.

Evan Turner is Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Superman’s consensus choice for National Player of the Year.

Kobe Bryant was God’s first draft. The finished product? Evan Turner.

Evan Turner is like a more athletic, darker skinned version of Christian Laettner, except that Turner also has a promising NBA career in front of him and far fewer people who want to see him get hit by a train.

Michael Jordan looks at Evan Turner and says, “Man, I’m glad I didn’t have to play against him.”

Most people call a day where you make a game-winning shot against your arch-rival to stay alive in your conference tournament and knock your rival out for the season the greatest day in their playing career. Evan Turner calls it “Friday.”