The Greatest Sports Car Ever…
…is not a Ferrari, nor is it a Porsche. It’s not a Lamborghini Gallardo or a Bugatti Veyron. Nope.
It’s a 2005 Honda Pilot.
Laugh all you want, but it’s the kind of car that makes women swoon when men drive by in one. It has upwards of 450 horsepower. AT THE WHEELS! It can do a quarter mile in nine and a half seconds, all the while carrying four adults and three infants in car seats. It can tow an M1A1 Abrams tank and still beat a Ferrari Enzo off the line.
YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!
And it handles like a dream too. The other day I was on the way home from work and took the sweeping turn from Powers Blvd. onto U.S. 24 at 75 miles per hour and the car stuck to the road like it was welded to it. I don’t know where all these worries about rollovers come from.
Of course in these trying times gas mileage is a common concern. Well, have no fear, because the 2005 Honda Pilot gets anywhere between 60 and 80 miles to the gallon in the city and 95-120 on the highway. You can actually drive this car from Denver to Pittsburgh without refilling the tank once. Now that’s money you could spend on hookers.
It’s a sport-utility vehicle. Heavy on the sport, yes, but not skimping any on the utility. This car can actually scale rock walls at angles up to 85 degrees. It can drive into water up to 45 feet deep and emerge on the other end, none the worse for wear. Christian Bale actually drove an ’05 Pilot up to the top of the mountain in Batman Begins where Liam Neeson was waiting to teach him how to be a ninja. They edited it out because Hollywood is fake, of course.
Speaking of bats: the original Batmobile? a 2005 Pilot. They had to go to plan ‘B’ sometime during initial production because Cary Grant (the original Batman) got the Pilot/Batmobile up to 88 miles per hour and traveled through time. To where, we still don’t know, but that was the last anyone saw of Cary Grant. The point is, not only can you smoke some punk in a Civic, you can witness the birth of Christ or see the signing of the Declaration of Independence. That’s a feature European automakers aren’t willing to provide the consumer, and it’s something American manufacturers just haven’t figured out yet.
So if you’re in the market for a totally awesome sports car that will actually increase the size of your genitalia (if you’re a man) or make you twenty pounds lighter (if you’re a woman) you should get a 2005 Pilot. And I’ll totally sell you mine if you have trouble finding one.